“Who’s holding the container?!” I moaned, my face in my hands. I sat on the living room carpet of a rented beach house, in a circle of half a dozen friends, trying to figure out if I could let myself go. I’d invited them all there for a “grief weekend,” a sort of ridiculous idea I had for a birthday celebration. I wanted to go scream at the ocean, gnash teeth, wail, dance, cry, and release the heaviness that we’d all be carrying after more than a year of quarantine.
On our first night at the beach house, I’d told my friends that I would try to create and hold the safe space “container” of the weekend—where they could feel safe to grieve, share, and be vulnerable—while also simultaneously climbing into the container with them to do my own sharing. “So I may need your help holding the container sometimes,” I said.
One friend chuckled and said she had this image of all of us linking hands in a whirlpool, one person gripping on to the solid edge and the rest, hanging tight, shouting “Who’s holding the container?!”
The following evening, we were in the midst of our “grief ritual,” in which we, taking turns around a circle, each picked up a stone to speak our grief into it and then dropped into a bowl of water. It was my turn again, and I knew I had some deep, family grief I wanted to speak, but man, wasn’t sure if I could really let myself go into it. I was emotionally drained, my cheeks still wet with the tears from the last round of crying for the warming climate and dying earth.
I let out a big sigh and covered my eyes. “You need someone else to go first?” someone asked. That was when I moaned.
“I’m holding the container!” I heard one person offer. And then, “Me too!” “Yeah, I am!” I looked up and saw all six of my friends around the circle, their arms held up at right angles, palms to me, hearts open. I laughed and my eyes filled with tears. They all grinned.
We all need to be held by others sometimes, particularly when we are often called on to do the holding, as so many mothers and caretakers are. If you want a container in which you can be held, please join me for The Meaning of Motherhood, a six-week online course that is part philosophy class, part motherhood wisdom circle.
Registration opens August 23rd.
Danielle LaSusa Ph.D. is a Philosophical Coach, helping new moms grapple with what it means to make a person. She is the creator of The Meaning of Motherhood course, and co-creator and co-host of Think Hard podcast, which brings fun, accessible, philosophical thinking to the real world. To join her mailing list, subscribe here.
© Copyright Danielle LaSusa PhD, LCC, 2021. All rights reserved.
