Because I’ve devoted this year to exploring Generosity, I’ve begun to really dig in on some of my emotional hang-ups around money, and I recently did so at a retreat led by my old therapist called “Women and Our Wealth.” On the last day, even after a weekend devoted to unpacking internal money obstacles, I was still struggling with generosity.
I shared with the group that I wanted to be more generous and I had a sense that I should, but that I still felt scared, stingy, and resentful of people who had more than me.
My old therapist, who despite the fact that we hadn’t worked together in five years, could still read me like a book, asked: “Do you know what the Brahmaviharas are?”
“Yes,” I said, smiling at her reference to the obscure, esoteric Buddhist concept. The Brahmaviharas refer to the four Buddhist “divine emotions/attitudes”: loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.
She went on. "Then you may know that when people meditate on the Brahmaviharas, they will sometimes spend years just focusing on themselves.”
I knew this was right. I’d done the traditional Buddhist loving-kindness meditation, and I knew that it always starts and ends with well-wishes toward oneself: May I be well. May I be happy. May I know love. May I know peace.
“It is very hard to truly feel compassionate, loving, and generous towards others when we feel that lacking in ourselves,” she said. “So, maybe the question for you is:
“In what ways do you need to be more generous toward yourself?”
My stomach sank and I got very still in that way that you do when you know that someone has touched the truth. The question struck me as both exactly right and exactly the opposite of the one I wanted to ask.
I sat there sort of dumbfounded, and didn’t have much more to say. But in the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the ways that I am stingy with myself:
I rarely celebrate my successes, treating them more as bare-minimum effort than praise-worthy achievements. If I do treat myself to something material—a lunch out, a bubble tea, a new pair of earrings—there is almost always a slightly chastising voice in my head asking if I really need it, if that’s a wise use of my money, and shouldn’t I do something more noble with it? I don’t even make my bed in the morning for the sake of my afternoon self.
I get the sense that being more generous with myself is less about buying myself more things and more about treating myself as someone worthy of receiving them—the same way I would think about a loved one or a valued cause.
Still, I wonder if more inward giving will only increase my selfishness—exactly the opposite quality of what I’m hoping to cultivate. But, I sense this practice has the paradoxical quality of wisdom.
So, I’m going to try it.
Weekly Gifts
This year I’m working on my theme of Generosity by giving at least one gift every week of the year, and to chronicle and reflect on them here.
Week 7, Feb 12-18: I called my sister to wish her happy birthday, first thing. Not at the end of the day, not a day late, but nine a.m. to let her know I was thinking of her. I hope that felt like a little gift for her.
Week 8, Feb 19-25: At the Women and Wealth retreat, I met several women who thanked me for my listening, my vulnerability, and my presence. I guess I should count those as gifts? See the quote below. ☺️
Week 9, Feb 26-Mar 3: I bought a gift for my nephew’s birthday, and oh lordy, I have so many conflicted thoughts about gifting material consumer kid’s toys that are, more than likely, going to be torn apart and forgotten within two days. My nephew’s preferred materials are cardboard and scotch tape anyway. I’ll likely write about consumer gifts in a future newsletter later this year.
Week 10, Mar 4-10: In the spirit of giving to myself for the sake of later giving to others, I am heading off to a week-long, silent Buddhist meditation retreat next week, which feels both like a major self-indulgence and a generous gift to myself, (aided by the loving support of my family.)
How are you generous with yourself, and where do you need more self-generosity? Share your answers in Mother Den.
Danielle LaSusa Ph.D. is a Philosophical Coach, helping new moms grapple with what it means to make a person. She is the creator of The Meaning of Motherhood course, which explores the changes in identity, meaning, and wisdom that come with motherhood. To join her mailing list, subscribe here.
© Copyright Danielle LaSusa PhD, LCC, 2021. All rights reserved.
